The Lazy Man’s Way to Playing Better Golf

If you’re reading this blog post, you obviously want to improve your golf experience. And I’m sure you know what I mean by that. Lower scores, more birdies and more pleasure playing the game would certainly go a long way toward fulfilling that requirement.

But…why bother? It’s hard…and it’s only a game. After all, you could always take up bowling. Why put yourself through the aggravation of it?

You’ve no doubt heard of couch surfing. Well, here are a dozen rules for “couch golfing” (even though, as some people might point out, golfing isn’t a word):

RULES OF GOLF

1. Don’t’ Take lessons. Be self-sufficient. This way you don’t have to admit your shortcomings to others. After all, how hard can it be to groove a golf swing?”
2. Don’t Work at it. As some people (mostly others who want to beat you to a pulp) will tell you, “Practice is overrated.” They’ll sneer at you for working on your game and explain to you how they don’t practice. Be smart and refrain from saying out loud, “Obviously.”
3. Drink alcohol while you play. Everybody knows they perform better when they’re under the influence. So, go ahead—why wait until the 19^th hole when you can crack open a cold one on the 2^nd tee? You may not actually score better, but you’ll be way less inhibited, and you won’t care if you make a fool of yourself—at least not until the next day.
4. Take a cart, even if you’re in your 20s. What do the Scots know anyway? Just because they invented the game, they don’t have any idea what being an American is like. After all, they think that music comes out of a bagpipe. Besides, it’s a lot easier to drink when you have somewhere to rest your beer while you’re teeing off. Walking and drinking don’t mix.
5. Yell at golfers on television who miss 20-foot putts that you “would’ve made.” Nothing impresses your friends more than someone who talks a good game. And golf is certainly no exception. Why hurt yourself swinging a golf club when you can stay on your sofa and vicariously win The Masters?
6. Bet heavily on the game. It’s well known that having some skin in the game helps you play better. Why not double down and make it interesting. Go into debt if you must—just to prove that you’re the next Tiger Woods.  
7. Don’t practice putting before you play. After all, even a two-year old can putt. Why waste time on the practice green when you can beat balls on the range ad infinitum? And the good news is, if you don’t score (or play) well, you can always claim that you were “hitting it great on the range.”
8. Take a mulligan whenever you hit a bad shot. After all, you’re only human. Everybody deserves a second chance. Don’t worry about holding the group behind you up—their time isn’t as important as yours.
9. Keep a high handicap. Nobody checks these things. Even if you have a handicap committee, tell them you’re playing a practice round, even if you do it six days a week. Tell them you’re just going to “work on a few things” when you take the course. Keeping a high handicap enables you to win time and time again, especially when you play in tournaments. And don’t worry, no one will question it or say anything.  
10. Don’t even keep a handicap. Better yet, don’t even record your scores. That way, you can tell people either a) how good you are (if you’re trying to impress someone) or b) how bad you are (so you can get plenty of strokes). Don’t pay any mind to the accusations of sandbagging.
11. Go to the range often but to the course infrequently. This way you don’t have to post your bad rounds. Heck, you can even pretend the game is easy. When someone says “nice shot” after one of your swings, simply smile and tell them you hit it exactly where you were aiming—but that you forgot your aiming stick. Bonus: you can blame range balls for your lack of distance.
12. Use the word “scratch” a lot. Tell people that, when you were younger, you were a plus one. It’ll impress people who’ve been playing for years and can’t quite get their handicaps down into the single digits.  

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS

All these suggestions are, of course, nonsense. You know that golf is what gets inside you. It lights you up. The reality is you’re not going to improve without effort. So, get out there and play, regardless of the outcome. You’re probably not doing this for a living, so don’t take it personally. I’ll often tell people that take the game too seriously to “have fun.” And I’ll tell those that don’t take it seriously enough to “play well.”

If you’re playing golf, you obviously have at least a few things going well for you. You no doubt have some disposable income to spend on a recreational activity. Second, you’re apparently in good enough health to swing a club and get around the course. And third, you have some free time to devote to playing.

If you’re looking for the magic potion to transform your game, don’t play golf. If you’re looking for Ben Hogan’s secret, here it is: “Dig it out of the dirt.” He also said, “Every day that you don’t practice is one day longer before you achieve greatness.”

And, if you’ve never taken a lesson, do not pass go and do not collect $200. Go now—find a PGA Professional in your area by going here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Frank Felsburg sometimes takes the game of golf too seriously.